“Would you trade it for something else?” Joyce asked me.
The eating disorder, she had meant. I was sitting in her office, feeling slightly miserable because I’d spent the majority of last week struggling with awful thoughts about my body image and gone to bed every evening wanting to throw up. I was royally ticked, too; obsessing over my weight and how I look seems stupid, and petty, and vain. And, in all honesty, after nearly 6 months of the eating disorder not being much of an issue, I was upset that all my thoughts about it had suddenly popped back up.
Joyce says that, most likely, it’ll always be an issue for me. Body image will always be one of those pots that are on the back burner of my personal stove. For a long time, my automatic response to stress and anxiety will be a desire to make myself get sick or starve myself. Which sort of sucks.
“Would you trade it for something else?” my therapist asked me. “Given the choice, would you trade the eating disorder and all the struggles you’ve got with body image, and perfectionism, and all of that for something like alcoholism? Or cancer? Or schizophrenia?”
No. I wouldn’t. Not ever. And I guess this is because, at the very least, the eating disorder is familiar.
Funny how that works. Do you think that anyone, given a similar choice, would choose their familiar pain?
You know, I can’t say yes for sure. It’s a maybe.. what if we could trade it for something totally curable? (I’d not do it for cancer or schizophrenia or any other chronic illness but for a cold then yes) We’d never struggle again.. I use to be afraid of the idea of having it all go away but now it seems like a pretty good deal.
The only reasons why I’d want to keep it is because it’s making us stronger people and will help us immensely now and later on both personally and professionally… I always considered us lucky in a way… we have the most control over this than any other chronic disease. People hope that chemo works, we don’t do that, we let treatments work if we are truly determined to get better (to a certain extent anyway) I’m grateful for it in a way.. just because of the relationships that came from it and the strength we’ve found and faith and the ability to help others more effectively… Hmm, I honestly don’t know if I’d trade it…
But that’s just my totally hypothetical answer with no personal experience in this area…
I find, given my admittedly limited experience with this sort of thing, that most people would and do choose their familiar pain.
However, Rachel’s entirely right: recovery implies its own risks, too. By making a choice to work through whatever it is that hurts you, you also choose to face the unknown quantity that sits, unseen, on the other side. Maybe the other side is actually nothing but sandy beaches, thornless roses, and frosty drinks on warm summer’s days, but you can’t know that, and no one can promise that to you. Fear of that unknown is and will probably always be the greatest inhibitor that people have, to wellness, to experience, to happiness, and to any other accomplishment.
Of course, it also means choosing that road is the most courageous thing you can do, not to mention the sincerest expression you can make of your desire to seek something better than that which hurts you. ‘Seek and ye shall find,’ as I believe it goes . . . it may not happen today, but we’ll all get there, and Rachel’s right about another thing, also: what you’ve experienced thus far has taught you quite a lot about the strength and support you already possess. The lesson may not have been enjoyable in the least, but that is, in its way, a comforting thought.
I’ll be praying for you.
K
Have you seen this u-tube clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
the messages young people get today regarding their bodies/what is beautiful, etc. is so out of wack with reality. Even young men can get sucked into it. let me know what you think about the video clip..appreciate your transparency! DM
Yes, I’ve seen the video. It makes me angry. How many individuals are essentially killing themselves, trying to measure up to a standard of perfection that’s based on something that’s not even real?
Haha, maybe. Familarity is sometimes a good but bad thing.
I have issues with my self-esteem too though >< It's hard but you'll get used to it after a while.
Maybe that's why familiarity is like a security blanket. If I see or feel something familiar, I won't feel afraid or out of place.
Just my thoughts