This weekend I realized just how fake I am. I was driving back to school after church last Sunday, struggling to sort out all the stuff that had gone on with my family while I’d been home over the break. For a while, I was trying to pray about it, and then at one point I just decided to be done; “I am so tired of thinking about God… I am tired of trying to talk to Him…tired of trying to make my life revolve around Him. I just want a break for a little while.”
I started wondering how that would actually work; can people actually take breaks from God? And then… what the heck is wrong with me that I should be starting to want that? What does that say about my faith? It’s got to be saying something about how much I value (or don’t value?) my relationship with Him.
Maybe I don’t really know Christ all that well. Maybe I go to church and participate in all the activities… maybe I sing all the songs and say the right words because I know that’s what people want to hear… Maybe I read my Bible and write about Him so much because that’s just what I think I’m expected to do… I’ve labelled myself as a Christian, and now I’ve got to live up to the name.
I’m confused. I know that I love Him. I know that I’ve prayed the Sinner’s Prayer about half-a-million times (Yes, I know you’ve really only got to pray it once), and meant it every time. I know that there are days when I feel so connected to God and am on top of the world because of it. But I also know that I am frustrated; I feel like I’ve been praying the same prayers for ages and nothing seems to be happening. Sometimes things even seem to be getting worse, and so the ugly part of me starts to wonder… is God not paying attention? And, if He isn’t, then what’s the point?
Since Sunday, I have been thinking about this a lot. I do not want to doubt. I do not want a faith that waivers, or that ebbs and flows depending upon how good or bad my life circumstances seem to be. I want a real faith in God and a real relationship with Him. I want to say the words and mean them, all of the time, and never because I think they’re the words that others want me to say. I want my life to revolve around Him. I want to truly want that, and not just feel like it’s something I think I should want. I want to genuinely live up to the name, and not just play the part of a Christian on the surface.
Following God does not mean that you only follow Him when things are going good. Following does not mean only loving Him when he answers your prayers. I know that I do not want a break from God. I know that I want to learn what it means to follow Him. Last night I found a really neat verse; Psalm 77:19. It says, “Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters - a pathway no one knew was there!” In the area that I’ve been asking Him to, I can’t see God moving right now. That doesn’t mean He’s not, though. Maybe He’s taking me down a path that I can’t see yet. One that I’d not expect to be led down, and one that I’d not even realized was there. I don’t know. I do know, however, that I’m going to try and do a better job of following.
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