I am worried about disappearing.
This afternoon, someone told me that I’d make a great pastor’s wife, and the comment infuriated me. “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked. I really think I glared at the girl, and was surprised by how angry I got and how very quickly it happened.
In my head, I always associate pastor’s wives with their husbands. I automatically visualize them as being perfect, model church members who are completely supportive of their husbands, don’t make waves… and whom don’t have any identity of their own. I don’t mean anything by it; that’s just where my brain immediately goes when I think of what it means to be a pastor’s wife.
Whether or not that’s how all pastor’s wives actually act, I never want to be like that. There’s nothing wrong with supporting your husband, or with being active in the church. I want to do those sorts of things. I don’t want to disappear, though. I won’t stand back and watch who I am become so enmeshed with my husband that I stop existing on my own.
In reality, this post has absolutely nothing to do with pastor’s wives. It’s got to do with my lack of a voice, my fear of never finding out what I can do, and my worries that I’ll somehow loose myself to whomever it is I end up choosing to align myself with. I don’t want to disappear. I don’t know who I am yet, I don’t feel like I’m independent or like I’m an adult. I’ve never tested the strength in myself to see what I’m capable of and what I’m not, and I’m worried that I’ll have to sacrifice all that to someone before I even get the chance to find it.
Before we were dating, my boyfriend and I were having a discussion about relationships and he said something to me along the lines of, “You’re supposed to give up your independence when you are in a relationship.” Hearing that made me freeze, and he must have noticed because he hastily added, “Well, to some degree, anyway.”
Is that true? In order to be in a relationship, am I supposed to give up who I am? Is that what it really means? I know that the Bible says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ” (Gen. 2:24)… but to what extent does that mean?
I’m not certain why I’m worried about this now… the girl’s comment this afternoon just threw me a bit, I think. It bothers me that someone might see in me a person who’d be ok with just being there… but not really existing. It bothers me that I’m still a mouse, and that I still seem to have so much more growing up to do.
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