I never mean to do it. I wake up every day and promise myself that I won’t. “Today will be the day I stop,” I say, 365 days out of the year. I make one little slip in that direction, though, and then I am gone. Compelled to carry out the act unto its completion, breaking all the promises I’ve made to myself and to God, and convinced that something horrible will happen if I don’t finish what I’ve started. It’s so much a part of me that I can’t imagine me without it. I don’t want to define myself by it, but don’t know what would be left if it was taken away. Certainly not the control that I cannot function without. But is this really control?
I want to curse and cry and scream. I want to send it so far away that it can never touch me again, but at the same time I want to embrace it and be completely consumed by it. How can I want both things at once, especially when I know that I am meant for so much more? Why, after so long, am I still stuck here? Why do my thoughts and desires still contradict one another after so many years, and why do I still feel so lost? Am I not asking for freedom often enough? I ask nearly every day… Do I just not want it badly enough? There must be something wrong with me, with my faith, with my heart… What is He trying to teach me that I’m just not seeing, and what’s it going to take to open my eyes?
Tomorrow, I will not do it. But even as I type these words, part of me wonders… what’s the point?
Recent Comments