Sam McGee

31 10 2007

     I remember reading this poem in my AP English class in high school, and absolutely loving it.  Tonight, while procrastinating on doing research for a paper I’m supposed to be writing, I found it on the internet.  I’m posting it simply because it’s slightly silly and makes me smile.  Enjoy!

Poem: The Cremation of Sam McGee

by Robert W. Service

 

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

 

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ‘round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”
 

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.
 

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”
 

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursed cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ‘taint being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”
 

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.
 

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”
 

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.
 

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

 

Finding boat to cremate Sam McGee.
 

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”
 

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;

Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

 

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.
 

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked;” . . . then the door I opened wide.

 

Sam McGee sitting in the fire happy and warm.
 

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”
 

There are strange things done in the midnight sun

By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.





“Thank you, Jesus.”

31 10 2007

     When I babysit for the Adopteds, one of my favorite parts of the evening is when I put the kids to bed.  Not because it means that the house will finally be quiet and I will feel considerably less frazzled after the four of them have gone to sleep (well, ok, maybe there are some nights that I feel this way…), but because putting the kids to bed means that I get to say prayers with them.  We all sit on the floor of the girls’ bedroom, with one or more of them cuddled up in my lap, and the kids launch into the same prayer that they say every night.  It’s similar to the one I used to pray when I was six, “Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray, the Lord my soul to keep…” but different enough that I still can’t seem to remember it all, even though I’ve spent more nights with the kids than I can count.  I do remember my favorite part, though, when the kids start saying, “Thank you, Jesus.”  They all take turns saying thanks to Jesus for all the things he did for them throughout the day, and I get to say thanks with them.  I love to hear them say thanks, to hear all the little things they appreciate, and I love saying thanks with them. 

     This morning, for some reason, I woke up wanting to say my own Thank You’s to Jesus:

           Thank you, Jesus, for the sunrise this morning.  Thank you that I had no tests to study for today, and for letting me go out with my dad and Racheal last night.  Thank you for my family, Jesus.  Thank you that I could have a normal converstation with my daddy last night, and that I got to enjoy spending time with him.  Thank you, Jesus, for the twins; I am so glad that they’re in my life.  I love getting sloppy kisses from three year olds and coloring pictures at Pizza Hut, and know I am blessed to have them in my life.  Thank you, Jesus, for my other family, for the Adopteds, and for my friends who care so much about me.  Thank you for putting so many wonderful people in my life, people who make me feel loved and valued and cared for.   Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the chance to go to the college that I do, and for helping me to get halfway through the semester here.  I am healthy, Lord, and able to keep up with classes, and I thank you for that.  Thank you for new relationships, Jesus, and for new friendships.  Thank you for teaching me how to balance school, work and my social life.  Thank you for opportunities to have fun and be silly.  Thank you, Jesus, that my life is good.  Thank you for pouring out a million blessings onto me, so many more than I even realize.  Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.





A Weekend’s Comparison

29 10 2007

                Usually, I’m not very comfortable with having people stay at my house, and am also not very comfortable staying at other people’s homes myself.  When I have company, I always stress too much and worry about constantly entertaining them, and when I’m the company for someone else I worry too much about being a nuisance to whomever I’m staying with.  So when Sara invited me to go home with her on Friday night, I was a little apprehensive about going, but now I am so glad that I did. 

Sara kept saying, “We’re going home,” and that’s the way it felt; like Sara’s home was my home too, even though I’d never been there before.  Her parents are some of the kindest, most welcoming people I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt around them.  I couldn’t believe how comfortable they seemed to be around one another, either.  It felt so foreign to sit down and eat dinner as a family.  Sara’s family holds hands and says grace before meals, and I nearly died of happiness when Sara’s mother started telling her husband about her trip to the grocery store that afternoon, and about how she’d bought wheat pasta because it was on sale; the whole meal was so wonderfully normal that I almost felt like I was dreaming.  Afterward, Sara and I carved pumpkins at the kitchen table, and her mom baked the seeds in the oven.  When we’d finished, the entire family sat in the living room and watched a movie and ate ice cream together.  It was neat to watch Sara tease her younger brother and rest her head on her dad’s shoulder as they slouched on the couch together.  But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous.

Sunday morning, I went to my house so that I could watch Racheal’s marching band competition in Syracuse.  I got to the house and discovered that (Surprise!) my mother and her boyfriend have been arguing lately, which means they’ve not spoken to one another for the last two weeks and that Jack is threatening to move out once again.  Jack didn’t come with us to the competition, and my mother and I drove up with our neighbor.  My dad didn’t come to watch Bird, either (Surprise!).  Sarah was there, though; Syracuse and the college my sister goes to are both on the same side of the state, and so she came to watch Racheal.  Sarah sat behind us, with a bunch of her friends.  I was sort of startled when I saw that she’d pierced her eyebrow (Real Surprise!).  It bothers me so much, I think, only because I talk to Sarah nearly every day, at least for a moment or two, and she never bothered to tell me…  it just seems like that’d be something you’d remember to tell your sister, and I guess I just feel like she doesn’t trust me so much anymore.  Anyway, the competition went well, and Racheal did amazing.  We left immediately afterward, though, and I didn’t get to see her.

How is it that I was able to feel so welcomed and comfortable at Sara’s house on Friday night, when I’d never been there before, and feel like such an alien amongst my own family?  My house is… it’s like a boarding house, I guess; everyone there just sort of drifts in and out, living their own life and not having any connection to the other members of the household aside from the common fact that they share a house.  We don’t even eat together at my house, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and there are some years where even that doesn’t happen. 

I hate that I am jealous.  I wish that I didn’t care and that it didn’t matter.   When I am at school, it’s not so bad, and I can pretend that things are different at home.  But every time I am with the Adopteds, or see a family like Sara’s, I can’t help but feel slightly sad.  I want what they have.  I know that Susan’s and Sara’s families are not perfect.  No family is really perfect, and so is it stupid of me to want my family to be something more than it is?  We are wonderful people; it’s just that we’re a mess and so disconnected, and no one seems to want to change that.  I love my family, but I want them to be my family, and most days they feel like they aren’t.  Am I going to have to wait until I’m married and have children in order to find what I’m looking for?  And, if that’s the case, what in the world am I supposed to do in the mean time?

 





Take the Time to Look

22 10 2007

     God is so stinking good. 

      It’s October, and it was eighty degrees outside earlier this afternoon.  By some minor miracle, I managed to have 2 hours of free time after my review class let out.  I took full advantage of the weather, and my free time, by heading to the beach.

     I love lake Ontario; it stretches out for forever, and so you can almost pretend the you’re at the ocean.  I have never seen the lake so calm as it was today.  There were no waves, and the water was so still that I was able to wade out past my knees without getting any of my skirt wet.  And it was so clear… it was bizarre to look down onto the floor of the lake and see, amidst the pebbles and shells, orange and red leaves floating along across the sand.  Oh yeah, it really is October….

     I couldn’t get over how quiet it was, either.  No one was there.  Apparently I am the only one who’s odd-ball enough to go to the beach at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Monday in October, even if it is 80 degrees and gorgeous out.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  I was perfectly content feeling the ridges in the sand beneath my feet and picking up bits of treasure off the beach, and could have stayed there for hours.  The whole time, I kept thinking about how amazing God is, how creative he is and how grateful I was that he’d blessed me with the opportunity to get away for a few hours. 

     So often, I feel so busy and overwhelmed.  It seems like it’s becoming less and less common for me to take the time too look around me and be grateful to God for all he’s created.  Part of the reason I love the fall so much is because creation sort of jumps out and smacks you in the face; it’s impossible to watch the leaves change and not be in awe of God.  But I want to be in awe of God all the time, not just in the fall or on afternoons when I can take quick trips to the beach.  God deserves my awe all of the time, and I never want to be so busy that I don’t give it to him. 





Ugliness

21 10 2007

     When I see Priscilla in church, she normally asks me what she can pray about for me throughout the week.  Typically, she prays about tests and other school related things, but today will be different.  If I see Priscilla at church today, I’ll ask her to pray that I stop being so childish.  And that I stop wanting things that I cannot have.

     I think that I need to vent.  I feel very small and petty in writing all this, but I’m also afraid that I’ll do or say something stupid if I don’t get rid of all this ugliness that’s sitting inside of me right now.  So this is your warning; don’t read this if you’re not in the mood to listen to the infantile whinings of a girl who potentially just needs to grow up.

     Last Wednesday was my birthday, and I turned 21.  Emotionally, the day was exhausting, and I alternated between feeling like the most blessed girl in the whole world and completely and totally overlooked and invisible.  Rachel had started celebrating my birthday the week before; her mother works for a greeting card company, and so birthday cards had been showing up in my mailbox every day for a week before I actually turned 21.  Sara and Nime (the girl who rooms next to us) decorated our bathroom with big signs, and so that was the first thing I saw when I woke up that morning.  And the boy that I’m seeing showed up at my dorm with a huge bouquet of flowers at midnight.

     So it should have been a good day, right?  It was, and I love that my friends did so much for me.  I feel very blessed and loved because of them… But I just feel like the people who should have cared about my birthday and made a big deal about it… well, they didn’t.  My sisters each sent me ‘Happy Birthday’ text-messages, which were nice but made me feel like I didn’t rate high enough for a real phone call.  My mother called me, but spent the entire conversation venting about her job.  My dad called in the evening, wishing me a happy birthday and asking if I wanted to go out; “I sort of feel like I should take you out because it’s your birthday,”  and so I felt like some kind of unwanted obligation.  And then some people just forgot entirely. 

     I felt overlooked and unimportant.  I felt invisible, which is a really crummy way to feel any day, and especially on your birthday.  Like I said, I am just venting here; it’s been 4 days and I am tired of feeling ugly.  Maybe I just need to grow up a little bit, and realize that I am not the center of the world.  People forget things, and I can’t expect to be paid attention to all the time.  Susan is not my mother, and her family will never be my family.  My real family will never change, and that’s just something I need to get used to. 

     God, please help me to recognize all the blessings I have in my life, and how fortunate I really am.  Help me to stop being so selfish and upset over silly things.  Please help me to grow up and to let things go.





Fistulas, Dialysis Machines and Open Minds

19 10 2007

     Tuesday morning I went to the hospital.  It wasn’t because I was sick; I went to shadow some student-nurses on the med-surg floor for one of the classes I’m taking.  The field trip was supposed to show us what clinicals will be like, and I’d be lying if I said I was thrilled about going.  I hate hospitals; as a nurse, I never want to work in one.  I’m looking forward to working in a clinical setting, or as a parish nurse or something like that, but the thought of working in a hospital makes my insides curl up.  Hospitals always feel so cold and impersonal to me, and so I guess that part of me worries I’ll end up cold and impersonal if I work in one. 

    The student-nurse I was assigned to shadow had a patient who was on dialysis because his kidneys had basically shut down.  I’ve never seen anyone on dialysis before, and was completely fascinated as I watched his blood be filtered through the huge machine.  I surprised myself by asking so many questions; normally I do not ask questions because I’m worried I’ll look silly or embarrass myself, but that day I wanted to know and understand what was going on so badly that I didn’t care how I looked.  The student-nurse answered all of my questions that she was able to, and called the clinical instructor over for help on ones she didn’t know the answer to.  I learned all about fistulas and dialysis machines.  I got to look through the patient’s chart and learned about electrolyte ranges.  I learned a lot, actually.  Much more than I anticipated learning.

    A lot of my opinions are formed without any good reasons behind them, I’ve realized.  I cling to beliefs without any real evidence or experiences to support those beliefs.  For all my  feelings of not-looking-forward-to-it, shadowing turned out to be a lot of fun and something that I enjoyed a lot.  I need to be more open-minded.  How much better would life be if I were less opinionated and more open to new things?  Maybe I’ll work on that…





God Calling

17 10 2007

“Learn another lesson.  The Sculptor who finds a faulty marble casts it aside.  Because it has no fashioning, it may regard itself as perfect; and it may look with scorn upon the marble the Sculptor is cutting and shaping into perfection.  From this, my children, learn a lesson for your lives.”

     This is an excerpt from God Calling, the devotional I’ve been using lately.  The few lines about the marble and the Sculptor are actually from a devotion intended for a few days ago, but they’ve been stuck in my head since I read them.  I’ve got lots of questions because of them.

     The passage is an allegory (or a parable, maybe… I never can remember the difference), right?  With the different types of marble representing people, and the Sculptor representing God?  So… if the Sculptor in the story pushes flawed marble off to the side and doesn’t work with it, does that mean that that God does the same with some people?  I thought that we are all flawed, and that God is contstantly working in all our lives to make us more like him…  does this mean that he’s not?  I think I’m misunderstanding this, and could use a little help with it.

Help, please.





Sort of Startling

15 10 2007

     Saturday was a very quiet day; I spent the majority of it on my own, alone in the house, and didn’t really go out at all until late in the evening when some friends called and asked me to come hang out.  One of my favorite parts about house-sitting is the fact that Susan’s house is so quiet.  And, because the house is so quiet, I was able to hear a noise this weekend that I don’t think I’ve ever really heard before.  Or, at least one that I’ve never heard and really listened to before.

     I heard the sound of my own laughter.

     City Slickers was playing quietly on the television, and Billy Crystal said something that was so unexpectedly funny that I laughed out loud.  The sound of my laughter in the near silence of the house was sort of startling. I laugh all the time, but I never actually stop and listen to myself laugh.  I like my laugh, I realized.  I like the sound it makes and I like that I laugh so often.

     It was good to be able to add something to the list of things I like about myself this weekend. 





Wonderful Weekend…

14 10 2007

What a great weekend…  I feel like I’ve done a ton, and yet I’ve gotten nothing done.  Of all the wonderful things that happened, my favorite experience was coming home to Susan’s house at 2 am on Saturday morning; I’d just come back from a late night trip to Niagara Falls with an incredible guy, only to discover a note on the kitchen counter…

“Dear Lisa K – Have a wonderful weekend!  Love you.  Susan E.”

…and my Anatomy exam stuck to the refrigerator door with a magnet.

Ask me how loved I feel.  I dare you.





A Gift.

12 10 2007

     I have the best pseudo-mother in the entire world.  Susan is going away this weekend, and has offered her house to me.  She always makes it seem like I’m doing a favor for her, because I’ll bring in the mail and water her plants while I stay there, but we both know it’s the other way around; Susan is doing me a favor when she lets me stay at her house.  It wouldn’t do any harm if the mail sat in the mailbox for a weekend, or if the plants didn’t get watered for a few days… and I certainly don’t need to stay at the house in order to do those few things, anyway.  Susan offers her house to me as a gift, and I am so incredibly to her for that.

     So I’ll be away this weekend, with no computer and none of the other distractions that come with staying on campus.  I’m terribly excited about it.  Next week, I only have two exams that I need to study for, and so maybe I’ll bring my art supplies and actually get some drawing or painting done over the weekend.  Wouldn’t that be absolutely lovely?